oh well huh

we had something great. not perfect, by most means. but we got each other. we shared an amazing home. our things became OUR things. our friends became OUR friends. our families became OUR families. five years is a long time. we went through a lot. we seperated through some, stayed together through some, but we seemed to be standing the test of time. the real test...becoming better versions of ourselves, improving the few things we'd taught ourselves and each other was ok, or standard, we didn't prevail. we put some work in, just not enough. we gave in to yelling and shoving instead of talking and loving.

when we are no longer able to change a situation we are challenged to change ourselves

so much has happened in the last few months. my head is absolutely reeling. i feel like my heart is constantly dropping at light speed into the bottom of my stomach. there's a knot in my throat i can't get rid of no matter the number of times i swallow or the amount of water i gulp down.
i'm losing my life. in a number of ways i've already lost it, but more loss is being prolonged. my relationship is over. my 30 day notice was given and my house is up for rent. i showed it to a passerby a week ago. it hurts.
life as i know it will change dramatically. no more planning what we'll have for dinner. no more pulling out the bar-b-que and talking about our day over a glass of wine and a cigarette. no more urging someone to communicate with me, if only to text and tell me how their day is going. my closest friend, the person i've loved more than anything for the last 5 and a half years, the one who knows me the best (and worst) in the world will be out of my life. completely out of my life.
i fain excitement at the opportunity to be single. a teeny tiny portion of me is open to whatever may happen in my future. the rest of me is uncomfortable, hurting, rejected, broken.
sometimes love just isn't enough.

left behind

sometimes i feel a little lost. this weekend i'm being left behind. he's going to his brother's birthday celebration in his home town. i have a plan mid morning sunday. we'd have to wake up really early to make it to my 'thing' on sunday. he "doesn't feel right about it." about what? waking up early to leave so we can do my thing and also do his. i said it was fine. i said i'd stay home. i still don't get it.